Mike and I laid in bed for half an hour or so this morning, just feeling Meredith move, since she obliged to be moving for so long. In the dark, just the three of us, it felt as if anything and everything were possible, and the world stood still for just a little while so that we could share that.
Gotta cherish the little things.
Monday, September 24, 2012
Friday, September 7, 2012
An untimely update
I didn't realize it had been quite so long since we posted. Sorry about that!
We are all doing pretty well. 25 weeks tomorrow. Seems like the first 20 flew by, and now time has come to a stand still. Well, babies come in their own time, as they say, and this one is not nearly done cooking yet. I will just have to be patient, I suppose.
I'm super happy that my belly has finally popped, and I look like a legit prego woman now. For a little bit there, I just kind of looked like I'd had too much beer. A special thanks to Mrs. Amy Smith for convincing me it was time for maternity clothes. It made all the difference in the way I felt about me. Before, I just kind of felt fat. Now, I actually feel pregnant! Amazing.
As far as Meredith goes, she's a busy girl. She seems to enjoy kicking me in the ribs a lot, which is cool, because it makes it WAY easier to get Mike in the right spot to feel her kick. So far, she has had stage fright with the other people who have asked to feel it. I guess she's willful, just like her mom. :)
I found the courage a few weeks ago to actually talk to the baby. That was hard. I was afraid that if I got attached, and actually treated the baby like a person, it would be that much harder and hurtful when something went wrong. Not if, but when. I'm still kind of waiting for the other shoe to drop. Totally unreasonable, but life can make you a little paranoid, ya know? It's getting easier in some ways, since Meredith moves around a lot. Makes it easy to believe that everything is alright.
I guess I'm still worried about things even when I'm not actually thinking about it. I'll just be sitting at my computer, processing faxes, or auditing cases, and a wave of anxiety will wash over me, and linger for a couple of hours. It's a little like that startled feeling you get after someone walks up behind you and scares you when you're not expecting it. That scared and nervous feeling usually goes away after a minute. This just lasts for an hour or more. This is a recent development, just in the past few days. I am actually home from work early as a result, since it was bad enough to make me vomit. I did call my doctor, and I have a meeting with my midwife next week, and they have told me I need to go see my counselor again, which on the whole is probably a good thing. They offered to write me a script for low grade anti-anxiety meds, but I told them I would wait until I'd seen the counselor and the midwife before I went that route.
What makes me really nervous is that if I feel this bad now, how am I going to feel in 3 months? Will I be a complete drooling nutjob? Or will I actually be able to get my shit together and feel like a human being? All this unknown crap... gah. It's enough to make someone crazy.
Another recent observation: People were right. This pregnancy is not as fun or as happy as the last one. Everything is so reserved: reserved excitement, reserved hope, reserved happiness. I really wanted a normal pregnancy, and I wanted to be super happy about it. And I am happy, and things are normal. Mostly. But there's always that what if. And that takes a lot of the fun out of it. I want to go shopping, and then I think 'what if,' and I don't buy anything. This is reality, I guess.
Another observation: people ask, a lot, if this is our first. It's SUCH a complicated question to answer. Technically, no. We had a baby. If I answer no, this is not our first, the next question is, how old are the ones at home? Then shit just gets awkward. I have to explain what happened, and the person who asked feels like a buttmuch for asking. If I say yes, this is our first, then I feel like I'm pretending Emma didn't happen. And that's awkward for me. Sometimes it's just easier to say it is our first, just so I don't need to deal with the inevitable follow up question, or the hurt that comes with remembering, but I always feel a little guilty about it. I'm sure I'll get better at navigating that question, but it's just hard.
Anyway, enough downer stuff from me. I'm looking forward to seeing the midwife next week, since listening to Meredith's heart does make me feel better. I promise it won't be so long between posts next time. 15 weeks! I can hardly wait!
--Shannon
We are all doing pretty well. 25 weeks tomorrow. Seems like the first 20 flew by, and now time has come to a stand still. Well, babies come in their own time, as they say, and this one is not nearly done cooking yet. I will just have to be patient, I suppose.
I'm super happy that my belly has finally popped, and I look like a legit prego woman now. For a little bit there, I just kind of looked like I'd had too much beer. A special thanks to Mrs. Amy Smith for convincing me it was time for maternity clothes. It made all the difference in the way I felt about me. Before, I just kind of felt fat. Now, I actually feel pregnant! Amazing.
As far as Meredith goes, she's a busy girl. She seems to enjoy kicking me in the ribs a lot, which is cool, because it makes it WAY easier to get Mike in the right spot to feel her kick. So far, she has had stage fright with the other people who have asked to feel it. I guess she's willful, just like her mom. :)
I found the courage a few weeks ago to actually talk to the baby. That was hard. I was afraid that if I got attached, and actually treated the baby like a person, it would be that much harder and hurtful when something went wrong. Not if, but when. I'm still kind of waiting for the other shoe to drop. Totally unreasonable, but life can make you a little paranoid, ya know? It's getting easier in some ways, since Meredith moves around a lot. Makes it easy to believe that everything is alright.
I guess I'm still worried about things even when I'm not actually thinking about it. I'll just be sitting at my computer, processing faxes, or auditing cases, and a wave of anxiety will wash over me, and linger for a couple of hours. It's a little like that startled feeling you get after someone walks up behind you and scares you when you're not expecting it. That scared and nervous feeling usually goes away after a minute. This just lasts for an hour or more. This is a recent development, just in the past few days. I am actually home from work early as a result, since it was bad enough to make me vomit. I did call my doctor, and I have a meeting with my midwife next week, and they have told me I need to go see my counselor again, which on the whole is probably a good thing. They offered to write me a script for low grade anti-anxiety meds, but I told them I would wait until I'd seen the counselor and the midwife before I went that route.
What makes me really nervous is that if I feel this bad now, how am I going to feel in 3 months? Will I be a complete drooling nutjob? Or will I actually be able to get my shit together and feel like a human being? All this unknown crap... gah. It's enough to make someone crazy.
Another recent observation: People were right. This pregnancy is not as fun or as happy as the last one. Everything is so reserved: reserved excitement, reserved hope, reserved happiness. I really wanted a normal pregnancy, and I wanted to be super happy about it. And I am happy, and things are normal. Mostly. But there's always that what if. And that takes a lot of the fun out of it. I want to go shopping, and then I think 'what if,' and I don't buy anything. This is reality, I guess.
Another observation: people ask, a lot, if this is our first. It's SUCH a complicated question to answer. Technically, no. We had a baby. If I answer no, this is not our first, the next question is, how old are the ones at home? Then shit just gets awkward. I have to explain what happened, and the person who asked feels like a buttmuch for asking. If I say yes, this is our first, then I feel like I'm pretending Emma didn't happen. And that's awkward for me. Sometimes it's just easier to say it is our first, just so I don't need to deal with the inevitable follow up question, or the hurt that comes with remembering, but I always feel a little guilty about it. I'm sure I'll get better at navigating that question, but it's just hard.
Anyway, enough downer stuff from me. I'm looking forward to seeing the midwife next week, since listening to Meredith's heart does make me feel better. I promise it won't be so long between posts next time. 15 weeks! I can hardly wait!
--Shannon
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