Not what I expected

Had my ultrasound today. Baby is... TRANSVERSE!!!!

WHAT?!?!?!

Apparently I have WAY more fluid this week than last week, and she's been bobbing around in there, and she turned sideways on me. Of course, she would not stay heads down.

So, after the MF medicine specialist spoke with all of my providers, and it was decided that I would be delivering Meredith via c-section next week, on either Thursday or Friday. The surgical scheduler at the hospital will be calling with the deets on Monday, so I will know more specifics about WHEN exactly we'll be greeting our muffin.

I have to say, I am a bit disappointed. I saw my pregnancy and delivery going in a very different direction. Everything about this pregnancy has been difficult. I was hoping it would be smooth sailing all the way, and I would get to have the natural childbirth I'd been preparing for. Alas, it was not to be. On the other hand, my pregnancy with Emma was perfect, except for the uber shitty outcome.

I guess there is a trade off to be made. Have a crappy not so fun pregnancy and get the favorable outcome, or have a great pregnancy and have a poor outcome. I'll take the latter, thank you, even if it doesn;t conform to my idea of what I wanted this to be.\

Anyway, here's to the certainty of knowing when my baby will be here, and to the fact that she will not have a weird shaped head from being pushed out of my pelvis, and to an extra two weeks of maternity leave!

More to come as we get closer to delivery day!

Any time...

So, the twice weekly stress tests continue, I have had ultrasounds galore (another tomorrow... woot!), I see two doctors a week... I really need this to be over. And I'm only 37 6/7 of the way there.

In case you missed it, baby was Frank breech for a time. She finally decided to turn over (!) so no version for me. I didn't realize how afraid I was until they told me I didn't need one. BOOM, instant relief. Now here's hoping Meredith is still head down, which is what we're checking for tomorrow. So far, she's a healthy, perfect 7.5ish pound baby. I feel like she's going to be a giant, and from all of the pics, she will have totally kissable cheeky cheeks. I really cannot wait to meet my daughter.

This past week has not been without its trials. I have been SUPER moody, nesting like a bad ass, and I had yet another run in with the jerkface OB who is always on call when I feel like something is wrong. After the whole 'I'm bleeding and I might know why but I'm a panicky mom' incident back on like week 15, I had told one of the midwives in my practice that I would have my baby in the parking lot before I would allow that man into my birth room. Her response (and everyone else in the office): Jeff's a really nice man, and he's very caring, but he can sometimes come of as a little abrupt. He is very experienced, and he has beautiful c-section scars. You want him to be there when you have your baby."

Okay, I get it, he gets the gold star seal of approval from everyone in the office. They told me I should have an appointment with him, just so I could actually meet the man. Well, I did. I still don't want him delivering my baby.

I wanted to hammer down a date for my induction, so I could fill out my FMLA paperwork. He looked at me like I was nuts, could not figure out for the life of him why I was asking about an induction, and pretty much said ' well, we won't do it before 39 weeks; we'll give you a chance to go into labor on your own. Let's check with Dr. Johnson (the MF med specialist) and see what he thinks..." 

Um, hi asshat... THIS HAS BEEN DISCUSSED FOR 37 EFFING WEEKS!!!!! READ MY FUCKING CHART, CHUMLY!!!

Ugh.

Anyway, that was a less than stellar meeting. If he's on duty, I will be asking for a resident.

Also disappointing: yesterday I had super intense contractions THE WHOLE RIDE home from the office... 5-6 minutes apart lasting 30+ seconds. FOR AN HOUR. I get home, have a glass of water and lay down. Boom. No more contractions. I was so upset. I really really really really REALLY want to have this baby. Like now. I want her here, in my arms, where I can see her. Sometimes I feel like my body is not the safest place for her, considering what happened with Emma. I will feel much better when Meredith is here with me and Mike.

That and I am very tired of being pregnant. I am way bigger this time, my back is starting to hurt, and this kid seems to think she is Pele because she is kicking my ass round the clock. I can't wait to sleep on my stomach again... 

When I mention how much I want this pregnancy to be done to others, people say that the last two weeks of waiting are the worst, because you are so anxious to hold your baby, but it will be over soon. That's great, if you've only waited 38 weeks for your baby. I've waited almost two years to hold a child. This cannot end soon enough. I have put in my time; is it really too much to ask that she arrive healthy and ahead of schedule?

Okay, enough of my bitching. I will hopefully have a much happier outlook after my appointment tomorrow.

--Shannon

Ten Things I Think

Taking a page out of Peter King's MMQB column at SI.com:

Ten things I think:

a. If you have a baby, you should get a stretch mark quota. If you have another baby, one should never EVER get another stretch mark. It's already been stretched. Leave well enough alone.

b. This twice weekly stress test crap sucks. I'm getting very tired of my provider's office. Not because they suck or anything, but I just don't want to see them twice a week. And I'm very sure they don't want to see my cranky-not-a-morning-person-and-I-can't-have-coffee-because-it-messes-up-the-test face either.

c. Meredith is bound and determined to cause as many problems as possible. Bad enough she's a high risk baby, but now she's planning on coming out ass first. Only my kid, I'm telling you... I hope this is not a harbinger of times to come.

d. External version looks an awful lot like torture. Really, watch the YouTube videos. And I don't care if they're willing to give me an epidural, that just looks like it sucks. And it only works about half the time. I REALLY hope baby changes her mind and flips over. If she does not, I will be MOST put out.

e. Not having a hockey season really sucks.

f. I didn't realize I could suck so badly at fantasy football.

g. As bad as things can be, and as uncomfortable and scared as I am, things can ALWAYS be worse. I need to remember to be grateful for what I have, because it could be gone, just like that. You figured I'd have learned that lesson by now, but sometimes I still take it for granted that I have a pretty frickin' good life, complete with a loving supportive husband, and great family, and the best friends a woman could ask for. Everything else is just stuff. And stuff is nothing, when you get right down to it.

h. I really want to move back to Maine. Hermon looks good.

i. Our gingerbread stout was very tasty. A little heavy on the spices, with a tidgy bit of astringency on the back end. Next time I'll probably just add them to the boil and remove them before primary fermentation. We left them in for a week. It was a bit too long. The molasses we primed with was quite tasty though.

j. I get to host Thanksgiving this year. Classic line up of dishes: Turkey, mashed potatoes, Stove Top, boiled carrots and onions, green bean casserole, jellied cranberry sauce, gravy. This year I'm adding roasted squash and steamed green beans. Should be a good time. And my broseph is coming to my house for the first time ever. Super excited. Here's hoping I don't eff up the bird.

In other news, super excited for my sister Amanda! Her boyfriend Bill proposed last weekend, and she said yes! The ring is beautiful, and the diamond is one of the diamonds from my mom's 25th anniversary present from my father. Super happy to welcome Bill AKA Luka to the family. He's a cool dude. It occurs to me it is my parent's wedding anniversary today.

Only 4 more weeks to go. Here's hoping Meredith changes her mind, and that I don't lose mine between now and then.

The home stretch

Okay people! 8 weeks and counting!

As some of you caught on Facebook, we actually bought new baby things for Meredith at TJ Maxx this week. This was momentous for two reasons. First, I was surprised that there were things that we didn't have for Emma. Apparently I was not a prepared as I thought  Second, my head keeps saying "why bother; you'll probably just have to return it anyway..." which is why I haven't bought anything at all for the last 8 months. I was able to tell my head to shut the fuck up. It felt good. For the first time in this pregnancy, I felt hopeful that maybe, just maybe, everything will be alright. I felt more excited than scared. It was quite liberating.

So yeah. We're moving ever forward. I have another ultrasound on Tuesday, and the first of my bi-weekly fetal non-stress tests. I'm not super excited to be in the doctors office twice a week, but at this point, I would do pretty much anything to make sure I get to see my baby.

Here's hopin'!

The little things

Mike and I laid in bed for half an hour or so this morning, just feeling Meredith move, since she obliged to be moving for so long. In the dark, just the three of us, it felt as if anything and everything were possible, and the world stood still for just a little while so that we could share that.

Gotta cherish the little things.

An untimely update

I didn't realize it had been quite so long since we posted. Sorry about that!

We are all doing pretty well. 25 weeks tomorrow. Seems like the first 20 flew by, and now time has come to a stand still. Well, babies come in their own time, as they say, and this one is not nearly done cooking yet. I will just have to be patient, I suppose.

I'm super happy that my belly has finally popped, and I look like a legit prego woman now. For a little bit there, I just kind of looked like I'd had too much beer. A special thanks to Mrs. Amy Smith for convincing me it was time for maternity clothes. It made all the difference in the way I felt about me. Before, I just kind of felt fat. Now, I actually feel pregnant! Amazing.

As far as Meredith goes, she's a busy girl. She seems to enjoy kicking me in the ribs a lot, which is cool, because it makes it WAY easier to get Mike in the right spot to feel her kick. So far, she has had stage fright with the other people who have asked to feel it. I guess she's willful, just like her mom. :)

I found the courage a few weeks ago to actually talk to the baby. That was hard. I was afraid that if I got attached, and actually treated the baby like a person, it would be that much harder and hurtful when something went wrong. Not if, but when. I'm still kind of waiting for the other shoe to drop. Totally unreasonable, but life can make you a little paranoid, ya know? It's getting easier in some ways, since Meredith moves around a lot. Makes it easy to believe that everything is alright.

I guess I'm still worried about things even when I'm not actually thinking about it. I'll just be sitting at my computer, processing faxes, or auditing cases, and a wave of anxiety will wash over me, and linger for a couple of hours. It's a little like that startled feeling you get after someone walks up behind you and scares you when you're not expecting it. That scared and nervous feeling usually goes away after a minute. This just lasts for an hour or more. This is a recent development, just in the past few days. I am actually home from work early as a result, since it was bad enough to make me vomit. I did call my doctor, and I have a meeting with my midwife next week, and they have told me I need to go see my counselor again, which on the whole is probably a good thing. They offered to write me a script for low grade anti-anxiety meds, but I told them I would wait until I'd seen the counselor and the midwife before I went that route.

What makes me really nervous is that if I feel this bad now, how am I going to feel in 3 months? Will I be a complete drooling nutjob? Or will I actually be able to get my shit together and feel like a human being? All this unknown crap... gah. It's enough to make someone crazy.

Another recent observation: People were right. This pregnancy is not as fun or as happy as the last one. Everything is so reserved: reserved excitement, reserved hope, reserved happiness. I really wanted a normal pregnancy, and I wanted to be super happy about it. And I am happy, and things are normal. Mostly. But there's always that what if. And that takes a lot of the fun out of it. I want to go shopping, and then I think 'what if,' and I don't buy anything. This is reality, I guess.

Another observation: people ask, a lot, if this is our first. It's SUCH a complicated question to answer. Technically, no. We had a baby. If I answer no, this is not our first, the next question is, how old are the ones at home? Then shit just gets awkward. I have to explain what happened, and the person who asked feels like a buttmuch for asking. If I say yes, this is our first, then I feel like I'm pretending Emma didn't happen. And that's awkward for me. Sometimes it's just easier to say it is our first, just so I don't need to deal with the inevitable follow up question, or the hurt that comes with remembering, but I always feel a little guilty about it. I'm sure I'll get better at navigating that question, but it's just hard.

Anyway, enough downer stuff from me. I'm looking forward to seeing the midwife next week, since listening to Meredith's heart does make me feel better. I promise it won't be so long between posts next time. 15 weeks! I can hardly wait!

--Shannon

Meredith Renee

It's been such a wild ride already that I've already forgotten about our blog here, and so has Shannon. It's time to make some updates, and the first one is most important: we are having another daughter! Meredith Renee is who we'll be expecting to make her way into the world on December 21st. She's healthy, fidgety, strong, and Shannon and I are extremely excited that she's doing so well.

Of course, you'd think that seeing Meredith up on the screen would calm the seas a little bit, but things feel so much more turbulent. In the screening room, I sat there with baited breath, nervous as hell, at the mercy of the ultrasound tech who was moving her way through each image of Meredith. She kept looking for image after image of her heart; yes, there are four chambers there, I kept thinking. How many times do you want to look? I swear, she got a shot of Meredith's heart from six or seven different angles. Of course, we got fun 'xenomorph' like shots of Meredith's face and a cute picture of her 'BABY FEETS!', as Shannon says, but the long slog through heart shots with little to no word from the tech made me SO nervous.

Of course, Meredith's fine, and of course, Shannon's fine. I've been talking to her every chance I get, because I've heard so many people tell me that, the more our baby hears our voices, the better. I can't wait to start reading to Meredith...maybe I'll start doing that tonight. We have great pictures of her legs, feet, heart, face, and, of course, proof of identity, for lack of better words.

It's so different to be at this stage of the game knowing (almost) exactly who our child is, if only in name. I almost feel like that means I'm so much more invested in making sure things go right, and that has made me a little more nervous...just a little bit. That's okay, though. So far, even though I'm frightened, things are going well, and I'm so excited that we chose to know our daughter the way we have. It feels almost surreal, and I'm stuck between the elation of knowing our baby, and the heartbreak of August 10th. Emma's first birthday is coming up in a little under two weeks, and I know that will be another tough obstacle to overcome.

Now, I have to get to work. Shannon is expecting a pork tenderloin dinner, and I gotta get on making it!