Had my ultrasound today. Baby is... TRANSVERSE!!!!
WHAT?!?!?!
Apparently I have WAY more fluid this week than last week, and she's been bobbing around in there, and she turned sideways on me. Of course, she would not stay heads down.
So, after the MF medicine specialist spoke with all of my providers, and it was decided that I would be delivering Meredith via c-section next week, on either Thursday or Friday. The surgical scheduler at the hospital will be calling with the deets on Monday, so I will know more specifics about WHEN exactly we'll be greeting our muffin.
I have to say, I am a bit disappointed. I saw my pregnancy and delivery going in a very different direction. Everything about this pregnancy has been difficult. I was hoping it would be smooth sailing all the way, and I would get to have the natural childbirth I'd been preparing for. Alas, it was not to be. On the other hand, my pregnancy with Emma was perfect, except for the uber shitty outcome.
I guess there is a trade off to be made. Have a crappy not so fun pregnancy and get the favorable outcome, or have a great pregnancy and have a poor outcome. I'll take the latter, thank you, even if it doesn;t conform to my idea of what I wanted this to be.\
Anyway, here's to the certainty of knowing when my baby will be here, and to the fact that she will not have a weird shaped head from being pushed out of my pelvis, and to an extra two weeks of maternity leave!
More to come as we get closer to delivery day!
Friday, December 7, 2012
Thursday, December 6, 2012
Any time...
So, the twice weekly stress tests continue, I have had ultrasounds galore (another tomorrow... woot!), I see two doctors a week... I really need this to be over. And I'm only 37 6/7 of the way there.
In case you missed it, baby was Frank breech for a time. She finally decided to turn over (!) so no version for me. I didn't realize how afraid I was until they told me I didn't need one. BOOM, instant relief. Now here's hoping Meredith is still head down, which is what we're checking for tomorrow. So far, she's a healthy, perfect 7.5ish pound baby. I feel like she's going to be a giant, and from all of the pics, she will have totally kissable cheeky cheeks. I really cannot wait to meet my daughter.
This past week has not been without its trials. I have been SUPER moody, nesting like a bad ass, and I had yet another run in with the jerkface OB who is always on call when I feel like something is wrong. After the whole 'I'm bleeding and I might know why but I'm a panicky mom' incident back on like week 15, I had told one of the midwives in my practice that I would have my baby in the parking lot before I would allow that man into my birth room. Her response (and everyone else in the office): Jeff's a really nice man, and he's very caring, but he can sometimes come of as a little abrupt. He is very experienced, and he has beautiful c-section scars. You want him to be there when you have your baby."
Okay, I get it, he gets the gold star seal of approval from everyone in the office. They told me I should have an appointment with him, just so I could actually meet the man. Well, I did. I still don't want him delivering my baby.
I wanted to hammer down a date for my induction, so I could fill out my FMLA paperwork. He looked at me like I was nuts, could not figure out for the life of him why I was asking about an induction, and pretty much said ' well, we won't do it before 39 weeks; we'll give you a chance to go into labor on your own. Let's check with Dr. Johnson (the MF med specialist) and see what he thinks..."
This past week has not been without its trials. I have been SUPER moody, nesting like a bad ass, and I had yet another run in with the jerkface OB who is always on call when I feel like something is wrong. After the whole 'I'm bleeding and I might know why but I'm a panicky mom' incident back on like week 15, I had told one of the midwives in my practice that I would have my baby in the parking lot before I would allow that man into my birth room. Her response (and everyone else in the office): Jeff's a really nice man, and he's very caring, but he can sometimes come of as a little abrupt. He is very experienced, and he has beautiful c-section scars. You want him to be there when you have your baby."
Okay, I get it, he gets the gold star seal of approval from everyone in the office. They told me I should have an appointment with him, just so I could actually meet the man. Well, I did. I still don't want him delivering my baby.
I wanted to hammer down a date for my induction, so I could fill out my FMLA paperwork. He looked at me like I was nuts, could not figure out for the life of him why I was asking about an induction, and pretty much said ' well, we won't do it before 39 weeks; we'll give you a chance to go into labor on your own. Let's check with Dr. Johnson (the MF med specialist) and see what he thinks..."
Um, hi asshat... THIS HAS BEEN DISCUSSED FOR 37 EFFING WEEKS!!!!! READ MY FUCKING CHART, CHUMLY!!!
Ugh.
Anyway, that was a less than stellar meeting. If he's on duty, I will be asking for a resident.
Also disappointing: yesterday I had super intense contractions THE WHOLE RIDE home from the office... 5-6 minutes apart lasting 30+ seconds. FOR AN HOUR. I get home, have a glass of water and lay down. Boom. No more contractions. I was so upset. I really really really really REALLY want to have this baby. Like now. I want her here, in my arms, where I can see her. Sometimes I feel like my body is not the safest place for her, considering what happened with Emma. I will feel much better when Meredith is here with me and Mike.
That and I am very tired of being pregnant. I am way bigger this time, my back is starting to hurt, and this kid seems to think she is Pele because she is kicking my ass round the clock. I can't wait to sleep on my stomach again...
Ugh.
Anyway, that was a less than stellar meeting. If he's on duty, I will be asking for a resident.
Also disappointing: yesterday I had super intense contractions THE WHOLE RIDE home from the office... 5-6 minutes apart lasting 30+ seconds. FOR AN HOUR. I get home, have a glass of water and lay down. Boom. No more contractions. I was so upset. I really really really really REALLY want to have this baby. Like now. I want her here, in my arms, where I can see her. Sometimes I feel like my body is not the safest place for her, considering what happened with Emma. I will feel much better when Meredith is here with me and Mike.
That and I am very tired of being pregnant. I am way bigger this time, my back is starting to hurt, and this kid seems to think she is Pele because she is kicking my ass round the clock. I can't wait to sleep on my stomach again...
When I mention how much I want this pregnancy to be done to others, people say that the last two weeks of waiting are the worst, because you are so anxious to hold your baby, but it will be over soon. That's great, if you've only waited 38 weeks for your baby. I've waited almost two years to hold a child. This cannot end soon enough. I have put in my time; is it really too much to ask that she arrive healthy and ahead of schedule?
Okay, enough of my bitching. I will hopefully have a much happier outlook after my appointment tomorrow.
--Shannon
Okay, enough of my bitching. I will hopefully have a much happier outlook after my appointment tomorrow.
--Shannon
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Ten Things I Think
Taking a page out of Peter King's MMQB column at SI.com:
Ten things I think:
a. If you have a baby, you should get a stretch mark quota. If you have another baby, one should never EVER get another stretch mark. It's already been stretched. Leave well enough alone.
b. This twice weekly stress test crap sucks. I'm getting very tired of my provider's office. Not because they suck or anything, but I just don't want to see them twice a week. And I'm very sure they don't want to see my cranky-not-a-morning-person-and-I-can't-have-coffee-because-it-messes-up-the-test face either.
c. Meredith is bound and determined to cause as many problems as possible. Bad enough she's a high risk baby, but now she's planning on coming out ass first. Only my kid, I'm telling you... I hope this is not a harbinger of times to come.
d. External version looks an awful lot like torture. Really, watch the YouTube videos. And I don't care if they're willing to give me an epidural, that just looks like it sucks. And it only works about half the time. I REALLY hope baby changes her mind and flips over. If she does not, I will be MOST put out.
e. Not having a hockey season really sucks.
f. I didn't realize I could suck so badly at fantasy football.
g. As bad as things can be, and as uncomfortable and scared as I am, things can ALWAYS be worse. I need to remember to be grateful for what I have, because it could be gone, just like that. You figured I'd have learned that lesson by now, but sometimes I still take it for granted that I have a pretty frickin' good life, complete with a loving supportive husband, and great family, and the best friends a woman could ask for. Everything else is just stuff. And stuff is nothing, when you get right down to it.
h. I really want to move back to Maine. Hermon looks good.
i. Our gingerbread stout was very tasty. A little heavy on the spices, with a tidgy bit of astringency on the back end. Next time I'll probably just add them to the boil and remove them before primary fermentation. We left them in for a week. It was a bit too long. The molasses we primed with was quite tasty though.
j. I get to host Thanksgiving this year. Classic line up of dishes: Turkey, mashed potatoes, Stove Top, boiled carrots and onions, green bean casserole, jellied cranberry sauce, gravy. This year I'm adding roasted squash and steamed green beans. Should be a good time. And my broseph is coming to my house for the first time ever. Super excited. Here's hoping I don't eff up the bird.
In other news, super excited for my sister Amanda! Her boyfriend Bill proposed last weekend, and she said yes! The ring is beautiful, and the diamond is one of the diamonds from my mom's 25th anniversary present from my father. Super happy to welcome Bill AKA Luka to the family. He's a cool dude. It occurs to me it is my parent's wedding anniversary today.
Only 4 more weeks to go. Here's hoping Meredith changes her mind, and that I don't lose mine between now and then.
Ten things I think:
a. If you have a baby, you should get a stretch mark quota. If you have another baby, one should never EVER get another stretch mark. It's already been stretched. Leave well enough alone.
b. This twice weekly stress test crap sucks. I'm getting very tired of my provider's office. Not because they suck or anything, but I just don't want to see them twice a week. And I'm very sure they don't want to see my cranky-not-a-morning-person-and-I-can't-have-coffee-because-it-messes-up-the-test face either.
c. Meredith is bound and determined to cause as many problems as possible. Bad enough she's a high risk baby, but now she's planning on coming out ass first. Only my kid, I'm telling you... I hope this is not a harbinger of times to come.
d. External version looks an awful lot like torture. Really, watch the YouTube videos. And I don't care if they're willing to give me an epidural, that just looks like it sucks. And it only works about half the time. I REALLY hope baby changes her mind and flips over. If she does not, I will be MOST put out.
e. Not having a hockey season really sucks.
f. I didn't realize I could suck so badly at fantasy football.
g. As bad as things can be, and as uncomfortable and scared as I am, things can ALWAYS be worse. I need to remember to be grateful for what I have, because it could be gone, just like that. You figured I'd have learned that lesson by now, but sometimes I still take it for granted that I have a pretty frickin' good life, complete with a loving supportive husband, and great family, and the best friends a woman could ask for. Everything else is just stuff. And stuff is nothing, when you get right down to it.
h. I really want to move back to Maine. Hermon looks good.
i. Our gingerbread stout was very tasty. A little heavy on the spices, with a tidgy bit of astringency on the back end. Next time I'll probably just add them to the boil and remove them before primary fermentation. We left them in for a week. It was a bit too long. The molasses we primed with was quite tasty though.
j. I get to host Thanksgiving this year. Classic line up of dishes: Turkey, mashed potatoes, Stove Top, boiled carrots and onions, green bean casserole, jellied cranberry sauce, gravy. This year I'm adding roasted squash and steamed green beans. Should be a good time. And my broseph is coming to my house for the first time ever. Super excited. Here's hoping I don't eff up the bird.
In other news, super excited for my sister Amanda! Her boyfriend Bill proposed last weekend, and she said yes! The ring is beautiful, and the diamond is one of the diamonds from my mom's 25th anniversary present from my father. Super happy to welcome Bill AKA Luka to the family. He's a cool dude. It occurs to me it is my parent's wedding anniversary today.
Only 4 more weeks to go. Here's hoping Meredith changes her mind, and that I don't lose mine between now and then.
Friday, October 26, 2012
The home stretch
Okay people! 8 weeks and counting!
As some of you caught on Facebook, we actually bought new baby things for Meredith at TJ Maxx this week. This was momentous for two reasons. First, I was surprised that there were things that we didn't have for Emma. Apparently I was not a prepared as I thought Second, my head keeps saying "why bother; you'll probably just have to return it anyway..." which is why I haven't bought anything at all for the last 8 months. I was able to tell my head to shut the fuck up. It felt good. For the first time in this pregnancy, I felt hopeful that maybe, just maybe, everything will be alright. I felt more excited than scared. It was quite liberating.
So yeah. We're moving ever forward. I have another ultrasound on Tuesday, and the first of my bi-weekly fetal non-stress tests. I'm not super excited to be in the doctors office twice a week, but at this point, I would do pretty much anything to make sure I get to see my baby.
Here's hopin'!
As some of you caught on Facebook, we actually bought new baby things for Meredith at TJ Maxx this week. This was momentous for two reasons. First, I was surprised that there were things that we didn't have for Emma. Apparently I was not a prepared as I thought Second, my head keeps saying "why bother; you'll probably just have to return it anyway..." which is why I haven't bought anything at all for the last 8 months. I was able to tell my head to shut the fuck up. It felt good. For the first time in this pregnancy, I felt hopeful that maybe, just maybe, everything will be alright. I felt more excited than scared. It was quite liberating.
So yeah. We're moving ever forward. I have another ultrasound on Tuesday, and the first of my bi-weekly fetal non-stress tests. I'm not super excited to be in the doctors office twice a week, but at this point, I would do pretty much anything to make sure I get to see my baby.
Here's hopin'!
Monday, September 24, 2012
The little things
Mike and I laid in bed for half an hour or so this morning, just feeling Meredith move, since she obliged to be moving for so long. In the dark, just the three of us, it felt as if anything and everything were possible, and the world stood still for just a little while so that we could share that.
Gotta cherish the little things.
Gotta cherish the little things.
Friday, September 7, 2012
An untimely update
I didn't realize it had been quite so long since we posted. Sorry about that!
We are all doing pretty well. 25 weeks tomorrow. Seems like the first 20 flew by, and now time has come to a stand still. Well, babies come in their own time, as they say, and this one is not nearly done cooking yet. I will just have to be patient, I suppose.
I'm super happy that my belly has finally popped, and I look like a legit prego woman now. For a little bit there, I just kind of looked like I'd had too much beer. A special thanks to Mrs. Amy Smith for convincing me it was time for maternity clothes. It made all the difference in the way I felt about me. Before, I just kind of felt fat. Now, I actually feel pregnant! Amazing.
As far as Meredith goes, she's a busy girl. She seems to enjoy kicking me in the ribs a lot, which is cool, because it makes it WAY easier to get Mike in the right spot to feel her kick. So far, she has had stage fright with the other people who have asked to feel it. I guess she's willful, just like her mom. :)
I found the courage a few weeks ago to actually talk to the baby. That was hard. I was afraid that if I got attached, and actually treated the baby like a person, it would be that much harder and hurtful when something went wrong. Not if, but when. I'm still kind of waiting for the other shoe to drop. Totally unreasonable, but life can make you a little paranoid, ya know? It's getting easier in some ways, since Meredith moves around a lot. Makes it easy to believe that everything is alright.
I guess I'm still worried about things even when I'm not actually thinking about it. I'll just be sitting at my computer, processing faxes, or auditing cases, and a wave of anxiety will wash over me, and linger for a couple of hours. It's a little like that startled feeling you get after someone walks up behind you and scares you when you're not expecting it. That scared and nervous feeling usually goes away after a minute. This just lasts for an hour or more. This is a recent development, just in the past few days. I am actually home from work early as a result, since it was bad enough to make me vomit. I did call my doctor, and I have a meeting with my midwife next week, and they have told me I need to go see my counselor again, which on the whole is probably a good thing. They offered to write me a script for low grade anti-anxiety meds, but I told them I would wait until I'd seen the counselor and the midwife before I went that route.
What makes me really nervous is that if I feel this bad now, how am I going to feel in 3 months? Will I be a complete drooling nutjob? Or will I actually be able to get my shit together and feel like a human being? All this unknown crap... gah. It's enough to make someone crazy.
Another recent observation: People were right. This pregnancy is not as fun or as happy as the last one. Everything is so reserved: reserved excitement, reserved hope, reserved happiness. I really wanted a normal pregnancy, and I wanted to be super happy about it. And I am happy, and things are normal. Mostly. But there's always that what if. And that takes a lot of the fun out of it. I want to go shopping, and then I think 'what if,' and I don't buy anything. This is reality, I guess.
Another observation: people ask, a lot, if this is our first. It's SUCH a complicated question to answer. Technically, no. We had a baby. If I answer no, this is not our first, the next question is, how old are the ones at home? Then shit just gets awkward. I have to explain what happened, and the person who asked feels like a buttmuch for asking. If I say yes, this is our first, then I feel like I'm pretending Emma didn't happen. And that's awkward for me. Sometimes it's just easier to say it is our first, just so I don't need to deal with the inevitable follow up question, or the hurt that comes with remembering, but I always feel a little guilty about it. I'm sure I'll get better at navigating that question, but it's just hard.
Anyway, enough downer stuff from me. I'm looking forward to seeing the midwife next week, since listening to Meredith's heart does make me feel better. I promise it won't be so long between posts next time. 15 weeks! I can hardly wait!
--Shannon
We are all doing pretty well. 25 weeks tomorrow. Seems like the first 20 flew by, and now time has come to a stand still. Well, babies come in their own time, as they say, and this one is not nearly done cooking yet. I will just have to be patient, I suppose.
I'm super happy that my belly has finally popped, and I look like a legit prego woman now. For a little bit there, I just kind of looked like I'd had too much beer. A special thanks to Mrs. Amy Smith for convincing me it was time for maternity clothes. It made all the difference in the way I felt about me. Before, I just kind of felt fat. Now, I actually feel pregnant! Amazing.
As far as Meredith goes, she's a busy girl. She seems to enjoy kicking me in the ribs a lot, which is cool, because it makes it WAY easier to get Mike in the right spot to feel her kick. So far, she has had stage fright with the other people who have asked to feel it. I guess she's willful, just like her mom. :)
I found the courage a few weeks ago to actually talk to the baby. That was hard. I was afraid that if I got attached, and actually treated the baby like a person, it would be that much harder and hurtful when something went wrong. Not if, but when. I'm still kind of waiting for the other shoe to drop. Totally unreasonable, but life can make you a little paranoid, ya know? It's getting easier in some ways, since Meredith moves around a lot. Makes it easy to believe that everything is alright.
I guess I'm still worried about things even when I'm not actually thinking about it. I'll just be sitting at my computer, processing faxes, or auditing cases, and a wave of anxiety will wash over me, and linger for a couple of hours. It's a little like that startled feeling you get after someone walks up behind you and scares you when you're not expecting it. That scared and nervous feeling usually goes away after a minute. This just lasts for an hour or more. This is a recent development, just in the past few days. I am actually home from work early as a result, since it was bad enough to make me vomit. I did call my doctor, and I have a meeting with my midwife next week, and they have told me I need to go see my counselor again, which on the whole is probably a good thing. They offered to write me a script for low grade anti-anxiety meds, but I told them I would wait until I'd seen the counselor and the midwife before I went that route.
What makes me really nervous is that if I feel this bad now, how am I going to feel in 3 months? Will I be a complete drooling nutjob? Or will I actually be able to get my shit together and feel like a human being? All this unknown crap... gah. It's enough to make someone crazy.
Another recent observation: People were right. This pregnancy is not as fun or as happy as the last one. Everything is so reserved: reserved excitement, reserved hope, reserved happiness. I really wanted a normal pregnancy, and I wanted to be super happy about it. And I am happy, and things are normal. Mostly. But there's always that what if. And that takes a lot of the fun out of it. I want to go shopping, and then I think 'what if,' and I don't buy anything. This is reality, I guess.
Another observation: people ask, a lot, if this is our first. It's SUCH a complicated question to answer. Technically, no. We had a baby. If I answer no, this is not our first, the next question is, how old are the ones at home? Then shit just gets awkward. I have to explain what happened, and the person who asked feels like a buttmuch for asking. If I say yes, this is our first, then I feel like I'm pretending Emma didn't happen. And that's awkward for me. Sometimes it's just easier to say it is our first, just so I don't need to deal with the inevitable follow up question, or the hurt that comes with remembering, but I always feel a little guilty about it. I'm sure I'll get better at navigating that question, but it's just hard.
Anyway, enough downer stuff from me. I'm looking forward to seeing the midwife next week, since listening to Meredith's heart does make me feel better. I promise it won't be so long between posts next time. 15 weeks! I can hardly wait!
--Shannon
Monday, July 30, 2012
Meredith Renee
It's been such a wild ride already that I've already forgotten about our blog here, and so has Shannon. It's time to make some updates, and the first one is most important: we are having another daughter! Meredith Renee is who we'll be expecting to make her way into the world on December 21st. She's healthy, fidgety, strong, and Shannon and I are extremely excited that she's doing so well.
Of course, you'd think that seeing Meredith up on the screen would calm the seas a little bit, but things feel so much more turbulent. In the screening room, I sat there with baited breath, nervous as hell, at the mercy of the ultrasound tech who was moving her way through each image of Meredith. She kept looking for image after image of her heart; yes, there are four chambers there, I kept thinking. How many times do you want to look? I swear, she got a shot of Meredith's heart from six or seven different angles. Of course, we got fun 'xenomorph' like shots of Meredith's face and a cute picture of her 'BABY FEETS!', as Shannon says, but the long slog through heart shots with little to no word from the tech made me SO nervous.
Of course, Meredith's fine, and of course, Shannon's fine. I've been talking to her every chance I get, because I've heard so many people tell me that, the more our baby hears our voices, the better. I can't wait to start reading to Meredith...maybe I'll start doing that tonight. We have great pictures of her legs, feet, heart, face, and, of course, proof of identity, for lack of better words.
It's so different to be at this stage of the game knowing (almost) exactly who our child is, if only in name. I almost feel like that means I'm so much more invested in making sure things go right, and that has made me a little more nervous...just a little bit. That's okay, though. So far, even though I'm frightened, things are going well, and I'm so excited that we chose to know our daughter the way we have. It feels almost surreal, and I'm stuck between the elation of knowing our baby, and the heartbreak of August 10th. Emma's first birthday is coming up in a little under two weeks, and I know that will be another tough obstacle to overcome.
Now, I have to get to work. Shannon is expecting a pork tenderloin dinner, and I gotta get on making it!
Of course, you'd think that seeing Meredith up on the screen would calm the seas a little bit, but things feel so much more turbulent. In the screening room, I sat there with baited breath, nervous as hell, at the mercy of the ultrasound tech who was moving her way through each image of Meredith. She kept looking for image after image of her heart; yes, there are four chambers there, I kept thinking. How many times do you want to look? I swear, she got a shot of Meredith's heart from six or seven different angles. Of course, we got fun 'xenomorph' like shots of Meredith's face and a cute picture of her 'BABY FEETS!', as Shannon says, but the long slog through heart shots with little to no word from the tech made me SO nervous.
Of course, Meredith's fine, and of course, Shannon's fine. I've been talking to her every chance I get, because I've heard so many people tell me that, the more our baby hears our voices, the better. I can't wait to start reading to Meredith...maybe I'll start doing that tonight. We have great pictures of her legs, feet, heart, face, and, of course, proof of identity, for lack of better words.
It's so different to be at this stage of the game knowing (almost) exactly who our child is, if only in name. I almost feel like that means I'm so much more invested in making sure things go right, and that has made me a little more nervous...just a little bit. That's okay, though. So far, even though I'm frightened, things are going well, and I'm so excited that we chose to know our daughter the way we have. It feels almost surreal, and I'm stuck between the elation of knowing our baby, and the heartbreak of August 10th. Emma's first birthday is coming up in a little under two weeks, and I know that will be another tough obstacle to overcome.
Now, I have to get to work. Shannon is expecting a pork tenderloin dinner, and I gotta get on making it!
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Muffin in the oven
We will find out what flavor muffin we're having on July 24th..
Mike thinks it will be a boy. I'm thinking girl. Healthy is ideal. :)
We'll see what we get. :) I'm sure Baby Duvesque will be amazing, no matter what flavor muffin we get.
Mike thinks it will be a boy. I'm thinking girl. Healthy is ideal. :)
We'll see what we get. :) I'm sure Baby Duvesque will be amazing, no matter what flavor muffin we get.
Sunday, June 24, 2012
Excited? Not so fast.
I would be super happy if this baby would let me not feel like poo for an entire 24 hour stretch. The 'morning sickness' hasn't abated, I'm still am not interested in eating anything, and now baby has decided that making me have a headache for 4 days straight is a good plan. Gah.
I mostly hope this morning sickness at least quits, and I that would have renewed interest in food. Since it's week 15 and it hasn't quit yet, I'm not too hopeful. As far as food goes, zucchini, broccoli, asparagus, bok choy (see also, all forms of greens and cabbage) chocolate, coffee and most Mexican foods are now on the 'Shannon will not/can not eat this food' list. Mike has been a saint preparing food for me. I owe him big time. I just want to be able to enjoy an entire meal without being sick before and not wanting it, and without being sick after because I actually ate something. Too much to ask?
As for baby excitement... well, I really WANT to be excited, but I'm finding I just can't quite get there. I felt bad the other day because I wanted to go shopping for baby stuff like a normal parent to be, and oogle over the cute clothes and the little shoes and the totally squee onesies that are so tiny you don't believe that a person could ever fit in them, but I realized I already had everything that I needed. No need for new stuff when the 'old stuff' has never been used. Besides, what if something happens? I'll have even more stuff I can't use.
Fear of the unknown has totally taken the fun out of this second pregnancy for me. Yes. I'm scared. 90% of the time I'm too proud to admit it, but I am petrified. Not all the time; just when I start thinking about and planning for the future. What if it doesn't happen? That's a heartache I don't even want to consider, but pops unbidden into my head whenever I think beyond today or tomorrow or this week. I'm just not sure I could handle that.
Okay, ranting complete.
On the plus side, the results for the first trimester screening came back, and we have a healthy muffin with no obvious or detectable birth defects. Hooray for good news. Next appointment is July 20th. We'll keep you posted.
Love,
Shannon
I mostly hope this morning sickness at least quits, and I that would have renewed interest in food. Since it's week 15 and it hasn't quit yet, I'm not too hopeful. As far as food goes, zucchini, broccoli, asparagus, bok choy (see also, all forms of greens and cabbage) chocolate, coffee and most Mexican foods are now on the 'Shannon will not/can not eat this food' list. Mike has been a saint preparing food for me. I owe him big time. I just want to be able to enjoy an entire meal without being sick before and not wanting it, and without being sick after because I actually ate something. Too much to ask?
As for baby excitement... well, I really WANT to be excited, but I'm finding I just can't quite get there. I felt bad the other day because I wanted to go shopping for baby stuff like a normal parent to be, and oogle over the cute clothes and the little shoes and the totally squee onesies that are so tiny you don't believe that a person could ever fit in them, but I realized I already had everything that I needed. No need for new stuff when the 'old stuff' has never been used. Besides, what if something happens? I'll have even more stuff I can't use.
Fear of the unknown has totally taken the fun out of this second pregnancy for me. Yes. I'm scared. 90% of the time I'm too proud to admit it, but I am petrified. Not all the time; just when I start thinking about and planning for the future. What if it doesn't happen? That's a heartache I don't even want to consider, but pops unbidden into my head whenever I think beyond today or tomorrow or this week. I'm just not sure I could handle that.
Okay, ranting complete.
On the plus side, the results for the first trimester screening came back, and we have a healthy muffin with no obvious or detectable birth defects. Hooray for good news. Next appointment is July 20th. We'll keep you posted.
Love,
Shannon
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Happy day!
Woo hoo!
Got to meet the Muffin today!
We had a meeting with the genetic counselor first, who asked us our due date, talked about us telling the staff what we needed to be comfortable, and basically said we could look forward to a planned delivery prior to our actual due date.
We then waddled down the hall to the ultrasound tech (I had to pee something wicked at this point), who showed us lovely images of our little Muffin as they squirmed about. Baby has a head, a heart, two little arms, two long legs, and a whole lot of wiggle. We didn't get a super good profile shot, since Muffin would not cooperate, but it was super exciting. It was a little harrowing too, since the ultrasound tech left the room when we were done looking to go get the doctor (which didn't happen last time), since she apparently thought we were seeing a doctor immediately after, but we thought something might be wrong, but then she came back and told us she just needed someone to sign off on the paperwork for the first trimester screening, so crisis averted. No parental meltdown.
We went to lunch, got movies at the mall, and then came back to the medical building for my regular monthly appointment with our midwife/OB, who whipped out the wand thing, and we heard our baby's heartbeat for the first time. 150 strong BPM. It was pure magic. I can't remember the last time I was this happy.
So here's to making our pregnancy FB official, to many more heartbeat checks and ultrasounds and reassuring words from our practitioners, and me trying to figure out if I actually want to be induced early. I don't really want to just now, but I might change my mind, and Mike and I are currently on different sides of that coin. We'll see what we decide closer to the due date.
Love,
Shannon
Got to meet the Muffin today!
We had a meeting with the genetic counselor first, who asked us our due date, talked about us telling the staff what we needed to be comfortable, and basically said we could look forward to a planned delivery prior to our actual due date.
We then waddled down the hall to the ultrasound tech (I had to pee something wicked at this point), who showed us lovely images of our little Muffin as they squirmed about. Baby has a head, a heart, two little arms, two long legs, and a whole lot of wiggle. We didn't get a super good profile shot, since Muffin would not cooperate, but it was super exciting. It was a little harrowing too, since the ultrasound tech left the room when we were done looking to go get the doctor (which didn't happen last time), since she apparently thought we were seeing a doctor immediately after, but we thought something might be wrong, but then she came back and told us she just needed someone to sign off on the paperwork for the first trimester screening, so crisis averted. No parental meltdown.
We went to lunch, got movies at the mall, and then came back to the medical building for my regular monthly appointment with our midwife/OB, who whipped out the wand thing, and we heard our baby's heartbeat for the first time. 150 strong BPM. It was pure magic. I can't remember the last time I was this happy.
So here's to making our pregnancy FB official, to many more heartbeat checks and ultrasounds and reassuring words from our practitioners, and me trying to figure out if I actually want to be induced early. I don't really want to just now, but I might change my mind, and Mike and I are currently on different sides of that coin. We'll see what we decide closer to the due date.
Love,
Shannon
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Monday, June 11, 2012
Space and time
There are two things that I have come to believe as a physics teacher:
One: time, like space, is a dimension. And even space isn't quite what we make it out to be. For example, advanced physical theories like string theory require (not posit, but require) the existence of 10 or more dimensions in order for them to hold weight. And because we only live in four of these dimensions, how will we ever know about the others? The truth of the matter is that we cannot know about the others, but we can simply have some trust that they exist.
Two: dimensions help us make reference to points, and those points are stationary. They are static, and they always exist. If you remember graphing in middle or high school, you know that the point (2, 4) is always there on every Cartesian coordinate plane. In 3-D space, (2, -1, 0) exists in every space. That means that every moment in time is a similar point, and those points in time exist always.
One of my favorite things to say is 'it is done in some future place and time'. I've come to think that all things are possible; they just happen in other versions of our world that exist in some other dimension, but in the same time.
I think about Emma all the time. I wonder what she is like; I wonder what joys and troubles she gives Shannon and me as parents. I wonder how she grows up, and how she does in school. I wonder what kind of young woman she becomes. I know that, somewhere in space and time (in many places in space and time), she exists, she grows up, and she lives, and Shannon and I get to find out all of those things we wonder about.
Just not here. Not in this place, and not in this time.
I remember August 10th, 2011 in fits and spurts. The day is a blur, a delirious collection of memories strung together in tatters, bonded by a glue of horror, grief, and sadness. How can anyone survive a day of loss and not have it all out of order by the end? I know I staggered out of the hospital to go get Shannon pizza; I know our nurses visited us about 50 times that day; I know we had several visitors. I don't remember when all those things happened, but I remember very clearly the space of time between 6:23 AM and 7:15 AM.
In that span of time, we met Emma as she came into the world, and we said goodbye. I told her how much we love her and how beautiful she is, and I kissed her on the forehead as we said goodbye to her.
That time was infinitely difficult, and it left an imprint on me that has followed me since. I feel so differently about so many things, and I feel so much...older. It's so hard to put into words how Emma's passing affected me, but I never really knew the magnitude of how until the moment we found out that Shannon is pregnant.
Elation, excitement, fear, trepidation, regret, remorse, doubt, denial, anticipation, wonder, happiness, celebration...I felt them all at once when Shannon showed me the faint blue line of a pregnancy test one day over April break. And that wave of emotions converged to leave one question echoing through my thoughts: am I ready for this?
I suppose it's an irrelevant question, because our next child, Emma's younger brother or sister, is here. He or she is growing, developing, and once again, exists in some future place and time. I have to be ready.
And that scares me to death.
So, I think that I'll mostly be writing about my challenges. How will I not be the paranoid 'don't-eat-this, don't-do-that' father-in-waiting? How am I going to deal with the frenetic array of emotions I felt in April as our due date nears? How on Earth will I deal with Shannon's dreams of twins? And, most importantly, will I be ready for December 22nd, or whenever our Muffin* arrives?
Crazy, crazy stuff. But, in some future place and time, the second Duvesque child comes into the world smoothly, and the Duvesque parents are healthy and sane.
Here's to hoping this is one of those times.
One: time, like space, is a dimension. And even space isn't quite what we make it out to be. For example, advanced physical theories like string theory require (not posit, but require) the existence of 10 or more dimensions in order for them to hold weight. And because we only live in four of these dimensions, how will we ever know about the others? The truth of the matter is that we cannot know about the others, but we can simply have some trust that they exist.
Two: dimensions help us make reference to points, and those points are stationary. They are static, and they always exist. If you remember graphing in middle or high school, you know that the point (2, 4) is always there on every Cartesian coordinate plane. In 3-D space, (2, -1, 0) exists in every space. That means that every moment in time is a similar point, and those points in time exist always.
One of my favorite things to say is 'it is done in some future place and time'. I've come to think that all things are possible; they just happen in other versions of our world that exist in some other dimension, but in the same time.
I think about Emma all the time. I wonder what she is like; I wonder what joys and troubles she gives Shannon and me as parents. I wonder how she grows up, and how she does in school. I wonder what kind of young woman she becomes. I know that, somewhere in space and time (in many places in space and time), she exists, she grows up, and she lives, and Shannon and I get to find out all of those things we wonder about.
Just not here. Not in this place, and not in this time.
I remember August 10th, 2011 in fits and spurts. The day is a blur, a delirious collection of memories strung together in tatters, bonded by a glue of horror, grief, and sadness. How can anyone survive a day of loss and not have it all out of order by the end? I know I staggered out of the hospital to go get Shannon pizza; I know our nurses visited us about 50 times that day; I know we had several visitors. I don't remember when all those things happened, but I remember very clearly the space of time between 6:23 AM and 7:15 AM.
In that span of time, we met Emma as she came into the world, and we said goodbye. I told her how much we love her and how beautiful she is, and I kissed her on the forehead as we said goodbye to her.
That time was infinitely difficult, and it left an imprint on me that has followed me since. I feel so differently about so many things, and I feel so much...older. It's so hard to put into words how Emma's passing affected me, but I never really knew the magnitude of how until the moment we found out that Shannon is pregnant.
Elation, excitement, fear, trepidation, regret, remorse, doubt, denial, anticipation, wonder, happiness, celebration...I felt them all at once when Shannon showed me the faint blue line of a pregnancy test one day over April break. And that wave of emotions converged to leave one question echoing through my thoughts: am I ready for this?
I suppose it's an irrelevant question, because our next child, Emma's younger brother or sister, is here. He or she is growing, developing, and once again, exists in some future place and time. I have to be ready.
And that scares me to death.
So, I think that I'll mostly be writing about my challenges. How will I not be the paranoid 'don't-eat-this, don't-do-that' father-in-waiting? How am I going to deal with the frenetic array of emotions I felt in April as our due date nears? How on Earth will I deal with Shannon's dreams of twins? And, most importantly, will I be ready for December 22nd, or whenever our Muffin* arrives?
Crazy, crazy stuff. But, in some future place and time, the second Duvesque child comes into the world smoothly, and the Duvesque parents are healthy and sane.
Here's to hoping this is one of those times.
Saturday, June 2, 2012
Eleven days and counting
Ultrasound, genetic counselor, and first listen to baby's heartbeat on the 13th! So excited that Mike will be able to be there, since school will be completely over. I wasn't sure if he was going to have an in-service day that day or not, but ti all worked out. Win!
Getting kinda nervous about it, since I just so desperately want everything to be all right. Fingers and toes crossed for a great outcome! It'll be nice to have peace of mind about the whole twins thing too. I keep having dreams about it, and it's really effing creepy.
Otherwise, feeling good, sleeping well and not too wound up (for the most part). All in all, things are great! I am struggling to get more fruits and veggies into my diet. I've been drinking smoothies almost everyday for breakfast, which gives me at least 6 servings, but food just doesn't taste good, so it's a struggle. Any thoughts on how to improve this? I'm supposed to get like 9 servings a day.
Off to get my beauty rest! Next update in like 2 weeks (and maybe a picture???)!
Love,
Shannon
Getting kinda nervous about it, since I just so desperately want everything to be all right. Fingers and toes crossed for a great outcome! It'll be nice to have peace of mind about the whole twins thing too. I keep having dreams about it, and it's really effing creepy.
Otherwise, feeling good, sleeping well and not too wound up (for the most part). All in all, things are great! I am struggling to get more fruits and veggies into my diet. I've been drinking smoothies almost everyday for breakfast, which gives me at least 6 servings, but food just doesn't taste good, so it's a struggle. Any thoughts on how to improve this? I'm supposed to get like 9 servings a day.
Off to get my beauty rest! Next update in like 2 weeks (and maybe a picture???)!
Love,
Shannon
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Dreams
When I was pregnant with Emma, I only ever had one dream about her... that she was stillborn. Creepy but true.
I have now had no less than three dreams about our little muffin. The first was about seeing the baby in a hologram and finding out it's a boy. Not too shabby. I could go for that. The last two, however, have been a bit more disturbing. I keep dreaming that we're having twins.
Twins!
To my knowledge, there are no twins in our families, but then, stranger things have been known to happen. I'll know for sure soon enough, but damn... Not sure how I would feel about that one. :) We'll just have to wait and see.
Love and light,
Shannon
PS: I was able to get off my blood pressure meds. I feel 110% better.
Twins!
To my knowledge, there are no twins in our families, but then, stranger things have been known to happen. I'll know for sure soon enough, but damn... Not sure how I would feel about that one. :) We'll just have to wait and see.
Love and light,
Shannon
PS: I was able to get off my blood pressure meds. I feel 110% better.
Sunday, May 20, 2012
Mother's Day, and more pills for Shannon
Mother's Day came and went, and overall, it was not nearly as bad as I thought it would be.
I was stressing out about it all week; the massive amount of advertizing associated with the event put me in a wicked funk. One the one hand, I felt like I should be celebrating; I am, after all, a mom. On the other hand, I don't exactly have all the same sort of Mom problems that make them super appreciated and deserving of a special day. Irrational, I know, but these are the things that go through your head.
The Saturday before, I had decided I was going to acknowledge it, and spend the day with people I adore. So, we spent the day with our friends/extended family, the Sweeneys. It wound up being an awesome day. Fried chicken, great music, Cards Against Humanity... it was awesome. I did break my news to the Sweeneys who were not in the know, since I wanted to be able to talk about it without having to wait until everyone had clears a room... pretty difficult in a house with seven people. It was a good day. Mike, being the wonderful and sensitive guy that he is, didn't say a word about it until about 4 that afternoon. He looked at me, gave me a kiss and said, 'Happy Mother's Day'. He said he would have said it earlier, but he wasn't sure how it would make me feel. Love that man of mine.
So, fast forward to Tuesday, to my follow up with my endocrinologist. Apparently, my hyperthyroid condition (too much thyroid hormones being produced) has become a hypothyroid condition. So, now, instead of working overtime, my thyroid doesn't work at all. Which, alas, has forced me to take drugs to treat the condition. It's not super serious, for me or baby, since we caught it in a timely fashion, but it still bears watching. And I hate taking pills. They're little enough, but I have to take them in the AM, which, see the previous post, can sometimes be a challenge. But, otherwise, all is well.
Next update after the first trimester screening visit with the genetic counselor, the screening ultrasound, and a chat with the maternal/fetal medicine specialist. I'll keep you posted!
Love and light,
Shannon
I was stressing out about it all week; the massive amount of advertizing associated with the event put me in a wicked funk. One the one hand, I felt like I should be celebrating; I am, after all, a mom. On the other hand, I don't exactly have all the same sort of Mom problems that make them super appreciated and deserving of a special day. Irrational, I know, but these are the things that go through your head.
The Saturday before, I had decided I was going to acknowledge it, and spend the day with people I adore. So, we spent the day with our friends/extended family, the Sweeneys. It wound up being an awesome day. Fried chicken, great music, Cards Against Humanity... it was awesome. I did break my news to the Sweeneys who were not in the know, since I wanted to be able to talk about it without having to wait until everyone had clears a room... pretty difficult in a house with seven people. It was a good day. Mike, being the wonderful and sensitive guy that he is, didn't say a word about it until about 4 that afternoon. He looked at me, gave me a kiss and said, 'Happy Mother's Day'. He said he would have said it earlier, but he wasn't sure how it would make me feel. Love that man of mine.
So, fast forward to Tuesday, to my follow up with my endocrinologist. Apparently, my hyperthyroid condition (too much thyroid hormones being produced) has become a hypothyroid condition. So, now, instead of working overtime, my thyroid doesn't work at all. Which, alas, has forced me to take drugs to treat the condition. It's not super serious, for me or baby, since we caught it in a timely fashion, but it still bears watching. And I hate taking pills. They're little enough, but I have to take them in the AM, which, see the previous post, can sometimes be a challenge. But, otherwise, all is well.
Next update after the first trimester screening visit with the genetic counselor, the screening ultrasound, and a chat with the maternal/fetal medicine specialist. I'll keep you posted!
Love and light,
Shannon
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
Morning sickness? Yeah...no.
So, lots of fun already. My favorite thing on the planet, chocolate, gives me instant heartburn, and I have 'morning sickness' pretty much ALL the time... Guess that's a good thing, since I am only supposed to gain 15 pounds. Yeah. 15. I gained forty the first time. Lucky for me, I like vegetables when they don't make me want to yak on my feet. I think tonight was my last plate of pasta for a while. Friday is officially 'not so good for you' dessert day. I am holding off for Saturday though this week, so I can hopefully get a cannoli from Mike's in the North End when we're in Boston this weekend.
On the other hand, this is going to give me a good excuse to go walking everyday. I hear walking is good for you. I have some new sneakers which are super comfy ( and American made!), so I really don't have an excuse. And Mike has already said he'll go walking with me, and there is a group of ladies at work who go everyday at lunch. No more places to hide. Now for cuddles with Mike while my stomach does hula hoops around my asshole. I hope this quits soon or it's going to be a LOOOOOOONG eight months...
Love and light,
Shannon
PS... Kinda pissed at my practitioner's office. They got my labs back, and proceeded to tell me that my thyroid hormone levels were high, and that my midwife thought I needed to see and endocrinologist. Well, no shit. I've known that for two months now, which is why I am currently under the care of an endocrinologist. That's in my chart, AND I told them that twice during our 45 minute talk yesterday. I made it very clear I was unimpressed.
On the other hand, this is going to give me a good excuse to go walking everyday. I hear walking is good for you. I have some new sneakers which are super comfy ( and American made!), so I really don't have an excuse. And Mike has already said he'll go walking with me, and there is a group of ladies at work who go everyday at lunch. No more places to hide. Now for cuddles with Mike while my stomach does hula hoops around my asshole. I hope this quits soon or it's going to be a LOOOOOOONG eight months...
Love and light,
Shannon
PS... Kinda pissed at my practitioner's office. They got my labs back, and proceeded to tell me that my thyroid hormone levels were high, and that my midwife thought I needed to see and endocrinologist. Well, no shit. I've known that for two months now, which is why I am currently under the care of an endocrinologist. That's in my chart, AND I told them that twice during our 45 minute talk yesterday. I made it very clear I was unimpressed.
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Emma Claire: The Backstory
Welcome to our blog. This blog is to document our (mine and my husband Mike's) thoughts and feelings about our second pregnancy. You will see posts from both of us.
For some people, this would be a momentous occasion, filled with joy and hope and elation. For us, this is the beginning of what will most likely be the scariest time in our lives.
Not that the idea of being a parent wasn't scary the first time around. We found out November 2010 that we were going to be parents the following August. Our child was unplanned, and I was a little angry and annoyed and upset at first, but once I got over my selfishness, I was totally in love, and scared to death. We had all the usual "Oh my God, how can I be a parent, I am SO not ready for this" moments, but mostly we happy, excited, and waiting anxiously for our little BOJ (bundle of joy) to arrive. I had an amazing pregnancy; no morning sickness, no swollen ankles, no back ache, no problems. Everything was textbook perfect. I had no worries at all.
Little did we know, things weren't going to turn out the way we'd expected.
I went into labor on my due date, and when we arrived at the hospital, I had already sent a litany of texts and made at least a dozen phone calls, letting people know we were going to have a baby! After we checked in and we got to the exam room, our world crumbled.
We discovered, in that dim little room filled with nurses, doctors, residents and ultrasound techs, not to mention two very shell shocked parents, that Emma had passed away sometime in the 24 hours prior to my going into labor.
There really are no words that can express the horror of that first hour. To have everything you had planned for, had hoped for and dreamed about ripped away, and then having to go through the process of giving birth, which should be joyful and celebrated, with no hope of a positive outcome, was the most horrible thing imaginable, or so I would have thought. Reality was much worse.
We greeted our daughter, Emma Claire, early in the morning on August 10. We said hello. Then we said goodbye.
The next few days, weeks and months were so very hard. People we had known who were also pregnant when we were were most likely going to have healthy babies (and did, thank God) while we were left with empty arms and empty hearts. It was really hard not to be resentful, and angry, and let's face it, jealous. Despite not having our child in a tangible sense, we know she is with us, in our hearts, everyday, and will always be part of our little family. But it's still hard. And I suspect it will always be hard.
But, here we are again, pregnant, for the second time. As I am writing this, I am 8 weeks along, and due on the 22 of December. We scared to death, and hopeful, and joyful. And scared to death.
We had a visit with the midwife today, and it has been decided that we will proceed as if this is a normal pregnancy, but they will be 'extra cautious' due to our previous poor outcome. Basically, lots of testing, ultrasounds, checkups, etc. Just to make sure everything is okay.
I love our midwife, Mary, who was super helpful and supportive last time around, and I am super happy she will be able to continue to be involved in our care. She always listens to our concerns, and helps us to navigate the dark and cloudy spaces. I feel very blessed to have her with us during this journey. Our friends we have told are already pillars of love and support in our lives; we felt is was necessary to let people know early, in case something happened, so we would have support in place. Most people will not be informed of our expanding family for quite some time. Just in case.
Of course, with a new pregnancy comes a whole new set of concerns, and further, a whole new level of paranoia for us. I am currently trying to break away from eating artificial sweeteners, caffeinated beverages, hot dogs, runny eggs and unheated cold cuts (all of which I ate in my first pregnancy), and come to grips with the fact that my midwife doesn't want me to gain more than 15 pounds. Ugh. Looking forward to an entire diet overhaul, and daily walks with Mike or my coworkers.
The hardest thing so far, for me anyway, is trying to be happy. I want to be elated, but it's very difficult to be joyful with doubt and fear hanging over you head. I keep thinking 'what if something goes wrong?' and 'what if this is the only part I get to enjoy?'. I need to keep in mind that what happened before was a rare occurrence, and the odds of a favorable outcome are very good. I have love and support, and great care. There's nothing to be afraid of. But it's always there, in the back of my mind.
So here's to the future. Here's to hope, love and the beginning of another amazing journey, this second time around.
Love and light,
Shannon (and Mike)
For some people, this would be a momentous occasion, filled with joy and hope and elation. For us, this is the beginning of what will most likely be the scariest time in our lives.
Not that the idea of being a parent wasn't scary the first time around. We found out November 2010 that we were going to be parents the following August. Our child was unplanned, and I was a little angry and annoyed and upset at first, but once I got over my selfishness, I was totally in love, and scared to death. We had all the usual "Oh my God, how can I be a parent, I am SO not ready for this" moments, but mostly we happy, excited, and waiting anxiously for our little BOJ (bundle of joy) to arrive. I had an amazing pregnancy; no morning sickness, no swollen ankles, no back ache, no problems. Everything was textbook perfect. I had no worries at all.
Little did we know, things weren't going to turn out the way we'd expected.
I went into labor on my due date, and when we arrived at the hospital, I had already sent a litany of texts and made at least a dozen phone calls, letting people know we were going to have a baby! After we checked in and we got to the exam room, our world crumbled.
We discovered, in that dim little room filled with nurses, doctors, residents and ultrasound techs, not to mention two very shell shocked parents, that Emma had passed away sometime in the 24 hours prior to my going into labor.
There really are no words that can express the horror of that first hour. To have everything you had planned for, had hoped for and dreamed about ripped away, and then having to go through the process of giving birth, which should be joyful and celebrated, with no hope of a positive outcome, was the most horrible thing imaginable, or so I would have thought. Reality was much worse.
We greeted our daughter, Emma Claire, early in the morning on August 10. We said hello. Then we said goodbye.
The next few days, weeks and months were so very hard. People we had known who were also pregnant when we were were most likely going to have healthy babies (and did, thank God) while we were left with empty arms and empty hearts. It was really hard not to be resentful, and angry, and let's face it, jealous. Despite not having our child in a tangible sense, we know she is with us, in our hearts, everyday, and will always be part of our little family. But it's still hard. And I suspect it will always be hard.
But, here we are again, pregnant, for the second time. As I am writing this, I am 8 weeks along, and due on the 22 of December. We scared to death, and hopeful, and joyful. And scared to death.
We had a visit with the midwife today, and it has been decided that we will proceed as if this is a normal pregnancy, but they will be 'extra cautious' due to our previous poor outcome. Basically, lots of testing, ultrasounds, checkups, etc. Just to make sure everything is okay.
I love our midwife, Mary, who was super helpful and supportive last time around, and I am super happy she will be able to continue to be involved in our care. She always listens to our concerns, and helps us to navigate the dark and cloudy spaces. I feel very blessed to have her with us during this journey. Our friends we have told are already pillars of love and support in our lives; we felt is was necessary to let people know early, in case something happened, so we would have support in place. Most people will not be informed of our expanding family for quite some time. Just in case.
Of course, with a new pregnancy comes a whole new set of concerns, and further, a whole new level of paranoia for us. I am currently trying to break away from eating artificial sweeteners, caffeinated beverages, hot dogs, runny eggs and unheated cold cuts (all of which I ate in my first pregnancy), and come to grips with the fact that my midwife doesn't want me to gain more than 15 pounds. Ugh. Looking forward to an entire diet overhaul, and daily walks with Mike or my coworkers.
The hardest thing so far, for me anyway, is trying to be happy. I want to be elated, but it's very difficult to be joyful with doubt and fear hanging over you head. I keep thinking 'what if something goes wrong?' and 'what if this is the only part I get to enjoy?'. I need to keep in mind that what happened before was a rare occurrence, and the odds of a favorable outcome are very good. I have love and support, and great care. There's nothing to be afraid of. But it's always there, in the back of my mind.
So here's to the future. Here's to hope, love and the beginning of another amazing journey, this second time around.
Love and light,
Shannon (and Mike)
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